With child

So…you’re having a baby are you? Well that’s so wonderful and amazing and congratulations. This was my thing, THE thing I said to everyone I would find out was pregnant the past 3 years. Whether they were a good person or a crappy person, whether a good friend or an acquaintance, a family member or a stranger, whether they had none child or 4, didn’t matter. I said this same thing in a monotone voice fighting back tears (with the one exception of my gf and her hubs who tried and fought and worked and waiting so so so long for their babe) every time.

Talk about a terrible friend!!!!! I would cry whenever I was alone again after finding out and these things would run through my mind, wow, again, what are they thinking, they cannot afford that, they already have 4 they should save some for the rest of us, you don’t want a newborn,  it’s ok to be happy for them, it’s ok to feel sad and jealous, AMBER you are a BAD friend, a terrible person and no wonder you cannot have babies, you’re awful, you’ve never wanted to be pregnant, adoption was always the way, even when you were pregnant you didn’t want to be, you wanted the babies not the pregnancy, you weren’t in love with those babies because of their shared DNA, DNA doesn’t matter to you, what did that take them like a broken condom and a bottle of jack, you have to work so hard, it’s not fair, the look of pity in her eyes was discouraging and disgusting, she was just trying to be nice and mindful of your feelings, you love her, she is a good friend, she is your sister, she is your cousin, they are your oldest friends, you are happy for her, you’re adopting and that’s what you want, do you even want a young child, how can SHE be pregnant, she cannot even take care of the kids she has, wonder how many more baby daddy options there are, you had better say a ton of prayers and about 85 awesome things about her before bed, just be patient, your child will come, maybe they should adopt next time instead of having 30 bio babies. AHHHHHHHHHH- What a MESS of MESSED UP feelings and crazy. It was exhausting to have these feelings and try to combat them all the time. I had a lot of guilt about these thoughts and feelings and moving through them was so tricky, Please don’t misunderstand, I had so much love for most of these people and I did move through them and end up at happy and peaceful eventually but it was a long, ugly road there.

Of course I knew why these things ran through my mind, I always planned to adopt, I never planned on it not being a choice. I wanted to create my entire family through adoption but, I knew how hard it was going to be (at least I thought I did) and I was comforted to know that i had the option of just getting pregnant real quick if things weren’t going well. It was hard to have the “just in case” plan taken away. I also think these announcements were hard because I was just supposed to congratulate people and leave all hard questions out of the conversation, just be excited, period. Whenever I’d tell people I was adopting out of foster care they would never congratulate me, only jump right into don’t those kids have problems, hmmm my cousin knew this guy who got his garage burned down by a foster kid, wow so you’re trying, can you do that as a single person, did you decide that because of your pregnancy problems, are you sure you can handle it, how much do you make, where are you moving, I am worried you haven’t thought this through, what’s taking so long, don’t get an abused kid, they can’t attach and on and on and on. 

Over the past year these things have been getting easier, true happiness for the expectant mother/family wasn’t as hard to come by BUT EVEN MORE AWESOME is…

that today folks, I had my first pregnancy announcement that made me feel happy and excited right away in about 3 years. I was so caught off guard by my feelings of wonderful related to this lovely family adding on that I had to hold back my screams of HOLY MOLY I don’t hate you, I’m not jealous or sad!!!! Awe, I must be growing up, or having my own baby soon, or maybe both. Not sure the reason and I really don’t care. I feel normal again, the way I used to feel when someone I loved was having a someone more to love.

I am so relieved that ugly mess is over and I don’t have to wait for the jealous, broken, raving lunatic inside of me to let go and feel happy about this anymore. Now I can get right to the excitement and awesomeness that is expecting a new little in my life to love.

 Yay pregnant people!! And babies!!!

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