There’s a hole in the bucket

Friday morning

So recently, like yesterday, the US decided to carry out much lengthier investigations into orphan status. There is so much being said right now about all of this and people arguing about things and judging others. It’s exhausting. Everyone, rightfully and understandably, has a lot to say. I have a lot to say. But I won’t. Mostly I don’t wanna be that guy, not now. Also I’m just so focused on the fact that this could be the end for me.

I have been excited about Harper and have planned for her and imagined and envisioned her in my life and my house, I have stared at her picture and talked about her so much, I have prayed for her but I am a realist. I have never known winning at adoption. In 4 years I have only known the become mentally unstable before during and after the big loss part of becoming a parent. I have been keeping it real in my head Hard to in public because then everyone wants to know who invited the party pooper or let negative Nelly out.

Up until last night when I read those hideous words 3-6 MORE MONTHS, though the last 4 years have been hard and have completely consumed everything I am and have, I would have done them over again if adopting H didn’t work out. I have nudged and encouraged others to take that leap. I would have kept on fighting for the rights and the lives of babes. I have always worked with children in some way or another, it’s what I love and who I am.  But this has been about working FOR them. I would have said no matter how hard it is for you, you are the grown up, we have an obligation to suck it up for them, we don’t get to take the easy way out because babies are abused, neglected, abandoned and left to fend for themselves. These beautiful and innocent children are hurting and we can fix it, you can fix it. You are the grown up, you have to resources to get it done. We don’t get to do nothing. I have said these things and by tomorrow I will again but today f you asked me I’d tell you to lay down and take a nap.

(just in case you’re wondering, if it doesn’t work out my new plan is to sell everything I own except my shot glass collection and move to Uganda with Kasaka to help run his farm and feed the hungry)

Adoption is an emotional roller coaster. I wanna be sad and mad today. I want to be mad at adoption and the US. I want to be mad at agencies and lawyers for being corrupt and causing these issues to begin with, I want to be mad at the orphanage director, she could have been here already before the new law and before taxes and homestudy renewals and I600a amendments, I want to be mad at me for always seeing this as my life. I want to be mad at God for so many things. I want to be mad at my body for taking away my plan B and I don’t want to listen to anything about God’s plan and perfect timing. Clearly it’s not perfect.  I feel nothing, only tired.

Sunday at 2pm

Well I’m still here. Haven’t packed my bags for Uganda just yet but I have since Friday felt mad and sad and annoyed and frustrated and now I am just back to being hopeful and trying to keep it real.  The reality for me is this. There is a major possibility that little girl may not come home until summer and there is a possibility this isn’t her home at all. Any way this goes down I won’t give up fighting for her, working, praying, and planning for her. I know the way I love her now isn’t the way I will love her if I get the privilege and honor to do it in person, but I DO love her. I am the grown up, she deserves to be loved, even from a distance even by a stranger (hopefully just for now), even if that stranger never gets to touch her. I am the grown up and when I decided to adopt or foster I decided to take on that heart ache so they don’t have to. I want her to know that even though I didn’t know for sure that she would make it home I put my heart and soul into loving her. If this isn’t her home I hope to find a way to sponsor her and/or send her things so she will know she is loved. She’s worth loving like mad. She deserves to have me be excited about her and talk about her and plan for her.

To conclude another episode of the crazy train adoption diaries, I will apparently continue to keep my crazy right out there for everyone to see until I figure out how to kennel it up. I was trying to remember what I used to be like almost 4 years ago, pre adoption. I am remembering a lot of dancing and traveling. A level-headed and productive person. I remember how badly I wanted to be here, in this space, doing just this.

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2 Responses to There’s a hole in the bucket

  1. Amy says:

    I can’t imagine being so close and now you are slapped with the 3-6 month wait. I will be praying for you and Harper. God Bless you both. At times it’s hard to accept the things we can’t control but even harder when our children are the ones being hurt in the process. I am always here if you’d like to talk. It’s good to know we are all in the same boat and can hopefully give each other strength in these challenging times. With that being said, I know it doesn’t take away the pain. Continue to stay strong and I will keep praying for you and your daughter.

  2. agodden1 says:

    Thanks Amy!!! It’s just the messy middle right? The part of the movie that can sometimes be unbearable to watch, the end, no matter what will be worth it. I have been thinking about you lately, sending thoughts of speed and smooth sailing your way.

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