Now what?

Apparently friends, I have nothing good to say lately, maybe I never did but for sure lately the mind is empty. No fb updates, no comments, no blog posts, no love notes to Harper, nada.

It’s strange really, I don’t even really stare at Harper’s picture anymore. Of course I see it and look at it but I don’t purposely pull it out anymore and stare longingly into her beautiful amazing face. I am pretty sure my mind has tucked her safely away into my “make-believe” closet right along side my fat bank account, skinny runner body, husband, 6 adopted kids, my job as a supreme court justice and my perfect vision (yes, it’s crowded in there). A means of self-preservation, sanity saving and anti continual heartbreak I’m sure. A sweet disconnect or complete vacancy? I am watching other families torn up about things that yanked my heart out weeks ago that I now have given little thought too. Does this make me a bad adoptive mama? Is this normal? Is this just because there is nothing to report? Does this mean I’m not really ready for her? Not sure but I do know that I don’t even feel worried or stressed about those things either. What a strange sense of calm and quiet. Maybe the quiet before the storm? We’ll see I guess : )

I hope you all have a fabulous weekend. I’ll be remodeling a bathroom with my dad which honestly is fun, my favorite time to hang out with him is when there are saws and drills and work to be done.

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2 Responses to Now what?

  1. grandmaval says:

    Your brain has put in in self-protective mode, mine does that a lot as a means to survive. Also, before birth I always had calm before the storm. Love you, Val

  2. lzook says:

    I too understand this weird blahz-ay feeling…I just have been afraid to voice it for fear that I will look like a bad mommy. (I know that is not true because we are fighting for our children with everything in us!) Thanks for being honest! You are not alone.

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